Soul Quest
Author – Katia Krassas © Copyright -
Please do not copy without written permission from the author.
It’s dark. It’s the dead of night, cold and wet. It’s been raining consistently during the drive up through the winding mountain roads. My hands squeeze the steering wheel. The road ahead is dimly lit by the headlights of my tiny car. I squint and peer out through the windscreen wipers onto the road ahead, willing any forest creatures to move away from the wheels of my car.
What the hell am I doing out here. My anxiety is peaking. I’m shitting bricks. My head tells me bad stories of crazy middle aged women, out on adventures all alone … what the fuck!! …
Go. Home. Lady. …. This can only end in disaster !!
Yet, I am determined to keep going. The drama unfolding within me is out of proportion for what I am doing. Anyone familiar with anxiety knows how quickly the fight-or-flight mechanism can take over in the most mundane of experiences. This wasn’t such a mundane experience and not dangerous, but my mind was convinced that there was serious danger ahead.
Nevertheless, I keep going.
So, where am I going?
I’m on a solo wilderness retreat. For just one day, from dawn to dusk, following weeks of preparation. Here to face my fears and unravel the layers of comfortable resistance that keep me socially acceptable,
and not connected to my truth… my soul.
Yes, weeks of preparation, of the mind and spirit type. Years really if I think about it. Where does this preparation begin and end? It’s a lifetime of conscious awakening, of choosing to walk my truth. Awakening is a choice I make over and over in my life, and yet, over and over I find myself lulled back to sleep, numbing myself away from pain and fear. Don’t we all?
On this day there aren’t everyday comforts and distractions.
On this day I’m letting go of all that and committing to facing whatever shows up. Shining the light of my awareness onto my inner world, welcoming the discomforts and fears, the emotions, the messy layers, and then, hopefully, laying some to rest as I find answers to some of the most difficult challenges in my life.
The Earth, the ancient forest, are to be my container and my witness. The crucible to hold the heat of this life-death-life process of shedding old skins and awakening to my authentic truths.
There are many of us all over the country questing on this day, at this same time, each at their chosen place. Our guides are keeping vigil for us, online, their fire crackling and flaring through the screen on my phone, calling me back to focus as I drive.
So, I am not alone. I keep going. Driving carefully through the hills.
Eventually, I arrive at my forest place and find parking, my headlights picking up the sign of the path I’ll be walking.
Beyond, the dark forest looks ominous.
The rain has stopped, the clouds are clearing and stars are peeping through the treetops…. Thank .The. Goddess.
Preparing to walk, I put on my gazillion layers of warm clothes, plastering my body with those stick-on heat packs that go for hours, and then my hooded jacket and raincoat. It’s mid-winter after all and I’m not a friend of the cold.
Finally, shouldering my pack containing only water, strapping on a folded stool, and with my torch in hand, I’m ready to go. I walk to the start of the path, the edge of the forest, feeling strangely calm and welcomed to this place.
Suddenly I feel completely at home.
All my anxious thoughts fly away.
The trees are friends.
I hear the whispering of the forest’s night life.
It’s clear that my fears are a result of not trusting my own abilities. In stepping out of my comfort zone the alarm bells have been going off at a deafening volume…. the everlasting result of old trauma embedded in my nervous system…. I see it. I know it. I acknowledge it.
My task on this day is to invite my intuition to be my guide. I suppose it’s something like the martial artist or the spiritual warrior. Knowing without knowing…. combating self-ignorance.. moving into the dance of connection… feeling the fear of not knowing the next steps, yet not be determined by that fear. Move from an inner guide that senses and knows the rhythm, forms the steps that are in response to and a part of something greater than my limited understanding of the world. I suppose it might be something like this.
Fear: listen up ! you are on notice.
I pause at the start of the path, between two giant Mountain Ash that form a gateway, feeling down into the earth beneath my feet, smelling the dampness, hearing the rustle of leaves as the breeze moves through the treetops, sensing into the soft darkness. All my senses are alive and buzzing.
Ahead of me is a long walk in the dark to find the clearing in the forest where I will be spending the day. The place where I will be staying put, no matter how tormented or how bored I become. The place of releasing the habitual, of crossing the threshold to meet my inner demons, to welcome them, hear them, and thus allow them to be laid to rest.
The plan is to arrive before sunrise, and be ready to greet the dawn with the birds. There’s still time.
There’s a clearing I’ve picked out for my retreat, however I’m not certain of finding it in the dark. I scouted it out a few days ago, during daylight.
I will follow the trodden path, until I reach the point where I move through the undergrowth and fallen logs, where there is no path. Will there be snakes? I’m banking on the fact that it’s mid-winter and they are hibernating away from my intrusion. I’ve prepared as much as I can, and now it’s time to let go of what I think I know, and move forward into the unknown.
I state my intention out loud, and ask for permission from the ancient guardians of this place to enter.
“I come in peace. I come to connect, to learn and to offer my presence and awareness. I seek to know myself through nature, as a being of this Earth. Who am I really when my habitual comforts are stripped away. Thank you for welcoming here.“
Taking a deep breath, I step forward….
I walk into the forest to connect to the spirit of the land, knowing there is much for me to learn through conscious silence, deep listening and letting go.
I am ready to face my fear of the unknown which stands in my way of deep connection with my own depth, and with the Earth.
And so… into the forest I go...